Wanting to Die

 It might surprise you who read this that I have asked God to kill me about 30 times. But he refuses to do it. 😢 He says he still needs me to do his work. Every day I try to figure out creative ways to save the lost. If my life wasn't so hard I probably would not care about saving the lost so much. I want to bring light to others any way I can, because my life was so often pitch black darkness. 

It feels like there is a cloud around me 24/7. It might be a spirit of heaviness. It feels sad and heavy. I feel better when listening to music or watching a movie. But it has been there my whole life it seems. Maybe that cloud is the depression of just living and everyone feels it. 

If we all are honest, we probably want to die about once a week. Something bad happens and we don't want to keep going. The main song that always helps me when I feel like that is "Hold On" by Justin Bieber. 

 I have told God that he is not nice to keep us all alive. My life now is pretty comfortable but still, I complain and often want life to be over. I feel I have done enough. I have suffered enough. But what I have gone through is still nothing compared to the lives of people in 3rd world countries. 

I should be grateful, but I always wish there was more. I don't know what it is that I want. It just feels like big pieces are missing. I am a puzzle that is half finished. It feels incomplete. I wanted to have more and be more by now. 

This is just the sadness of life I think. We were made for the Garden of Eden. But it feels like we wake up in a dumpster every day. Real life is ugly and lonely and it smells bad. 

But we just have to deal with it. We have to find the silver lining in the clouds. We have to keep running, even though we are tired and want to just sit. 

This too shall pass. All things will work for your good eventually. Try to stay happy. I know it is not easy, but the joy of the Lord is your strength.