Keep Dreaming

 It is good to learn from the past, but it is never good to stay stuck there. That is the main cause of depression. Don't think about your past life too much. Dream about your future instead. 

This is why dreaming is so wonderful. God said in the Bible, "Write out your vision." What vision do you have for your future? What else do you wish you could accomplish? 

I have always wanted to own a franchise. Either a Taco Bell or Subway or Papa John's. Opening a restaurant would be fun too, maybe stressful but fun. I also want to run a bed a breakfast like my grandma did. I want to be a sub teacher like my other grandma. For now I am in the planning phase. What exciting thing can I accomplish next? I could make a giant family, or just have one kid and start some great businesses. 

There are always so many paths a person can take. I hope whatever path you chose is fun for you. 🤗

Mental Illness or a Demon

 In the Bible there is something called "a spirit of heaviness." I am sure a lot of us feel that more now with the holidays. Also the cold keeps us from getting outside and tanning in the sun. 😢 That is the best cure for depression. 

How do you know if your sadness is clinical depression or an evil spirit? 

I do not, and never have, believed in clinical depression. I do believe in evil spirits though. What does the Bible say to do to protect yourself from evil spirits? Ephesians 6:13-17 says, "Put on the full armor of God, so that when the day of evil comes, you may be able to stand your ground, and after you have done everything, to stand. Stand firm then, with the belt of truth buckled around your waist, with the breastplate of righteousness in place, and with your feet fitted with the readiness that comes from the gospel of peace. In addition to all this, take up the shield of faith, with which you can extinguish all the flaming arrows of the evil one. Take the helmet of salvation and the sword of the Spirit, which is the word of God."

Maybe you don't have an evil spirit. Maybe you are depressed from eating tons of junk food, and you feel guilty about it. Or maybe you have no social life. Everyone needs people. If you aren't working, go find a job. If you are single and hate it, get into online dating. You can cure your own sadness if you really want to. You just need to stay productive and keep good friends. 

Or maybe you enjoy being depressed so you don't change the things that you can. Maybe you like the sympathy. Maybe you have no idea how to take care of yourself well. Maybe no one taught you how to. But you can learn. You can figure out how to eat healthy and get your emotional needs met. Or you can simply decide to stop having so many needs. Just because you had tons of friends when you were young, doesn't mean you always have to have that. Lower your expectations for life. There are many different seasons to life. Maybe before you had tons of friends and now you have a family. It feels different but accept it. Not every season of your life will be the same. 

If you are depressed, I get it. We all feel down sometimes. Just believe tomorrow will be a better day. Try to have hope that your future will be great. Change the things you can and Never stop dreaming. If you can learn to never give up dreaming, you may never feel depressed. 

And get outside and sit in the sun. You will feel much better. 😁

The Duplex

 The best time in my life was when I lived with my former family in our duplex. We had a giant back yard to play frisbee in. My mom would come over and play badminton with me. I can't believe we gave up that duplex. We never should have bought the expensive new house. Ants kept invading there. It was not built very well. The backyard was totally retarded. It was not a very happy place. 

If we would have never bought that house, we probably would still be a family. 

If you ever think of buying an expensive house, don't do it. It will only stress you out. Just stick with what you have now. Change can easily mess everything up. 

Hard to Trust

 I have always had a hard time trusting people. In college I was in classes with great young people, but I didn't trust any of them. I thought they all would hurt me, so I never let them in. 

The first person I fully let in was my step brother but that relationship ended badly. Then my first serious bf I let in but he died. 

I remember I used to always think I couldn't be married because my dad sexually abused me. I didn't know how I could ever trust a man. He was not who he appeared to be. So many people have surprised me that way. They were not who they appeared to be. 

That is why maybe I can make the world and the people in it better by having 10 kids who actually are good people. Hopefully my kids will be trust worthy and treat others well. Maybe they could be the next Billy Grahams and Joyce Meyers. 

Christmas

 The most nostalgic day of the year. It is like your entire life flashes before your eyes. You think of all the people you used to be around at Christmas, and you miss them. 

No one likes to say goodbye. But very few things last forever. Family members move away. Kids leave home. Siblings decide to stop being kind. Friends leave your life. 

The only thing that is always there is, not alcohol or pills, God. 😀 "God is near to the broken hearted and binds up their wounds." 

If you feel sad this Christmas, cuddle with your pet, watch a happy movie, cook something, write a letter to your crush or mate, or spend time praying for all those that you miss. Maybe you are thinking about them because God wants you to pray for them. 

God I pray for my daughters. May they stay happy and safe. May they remember the Christian foundation I tried to teach them. May my years with them not have been in vain. I pray someday I'll see them again and that it will be a happy reunion. May they always succeed in school and have tons of great friends. May they be careful what boys they like, and God lead them to the perfect guy to marry someday. May they always be thankful for what they have and grow up strong and healthy. 

May all your Christmas dreams come true. God will meet all your needs according to his glorious riches in Christ Jesus. 😃

My Idols

 I wish I could make awesome Christian songs like Zauntee. 

I wish I could write a number 1 best selling Christian book like Rick Warren. 

I wish I could speak in front of giant crowds like Joyce Meyer. 

I wish I could have the biggest church in America like Joel Osteen. 

I wish I could preach with fire like John Ramirez. 

I wish I had a heart like Jentezen Franklin. 

I wish I could be incredibly popular like Justin Bieber. 

All I can do is silly artistic things.

But maybe that will be enough to save a few. 

That could be good enough for me. 

Share Now

 Most parents expect their kids to fend for themselves. It's every man for himself right? But God gave us all parents for a reason. To help us. 

I was just thinking how back when my former family was together, my in laws didn't want to share anything with us. They could have loaned us their extra car to keep us from the burden of car payments. They could have loaned us their extra house when their son became too insane to keep a job. But they didn't think we needed help. Now the burden is totally on them to care for the kids. 

If you have kids and grandkids, help them. That is your assignment from God. Help them before it all goes up in smoke for them. 

Justin Bieber

 I just want to state my opinion on Bieber's crazy life. I have been following him for 15 years now and I have found him to be very interesting. I have been captivated that he is basically the only outspoken Christian in the music industry. I think he should get back with Selena. God told me Hailey isn't actually religious at all. She was just acting Christian to get to Justin, and it worked. That little snake. 😒 Selena is a God fearing accomplished woman. He should have stayed with her. I think the problem was that Selena was never willing to get pregnant. Her career was more important to her. But then she lost Justin. Come on Selena! You should have just let him have kids with you. 😣

Now Justin is with Hailey who also isn't having kids with him. Why? I feel very sad for him. I hope he gets to be a dad someday. When I was single, I totally would have helped him get to be a dad. 😀

 Maybe Hailey is too egotistical. You have to forget about yourself in order to want kids. Maybe she doesn't know if she can do that. Or maybe she wants Justin to go back to Selena. That would be funny. 

Ah exes....but it seems apparent from videos of Justin and Hailey that they hate each other. 😢 Pray for them. Mainly pray for Justin, that he will not forget his faith due to being with Hailey. 

Justin, just get back with Selena and have kids. You seemed a lot happier with her. That is my suggestion. 

Or maybe your marriage to Hailey can be a good one. I recommend you guys start an online Bible study together. You could have so much influence over our world to start a revival. That would be awesome! 

My Brother

 My big brother made me cry yesterday. I feel like crying a lot anyways since I'm pregnant. Maybe the baby kicking me a lot causes that. 😂😃 I have been texting him sermons and poems I write and blogs for awhile. He sounded annoyed with me. 😣 But of course, what can light have in common with darkness? Or he is jealous of how awesome my poems are. 😁 I suppose he has always been jealous over me. That has caused division for us for the past 38 years! My goodness. 😣 He said one time he felt like I got all the good genes and he got all the bad genes like in the movie Twins. But now I did very little with my degree in English and he is getting to be an electrician. I am so proud of him. 😀 I have yet to find a real long lasting career. But maybe it isn't important, because I always mainly wanted to be a mother. Some moms have a carer too, but it is ideal to not do both, if you can. 😊 If you are a mom, try to remain at home with your kids as much as possible. Spend less on shopping so you can focus on them more. So many moms loose their kids due to a love of money, in many ways. 

I wish my brother was nicer but he is trying to get his life back in order. He threw out his back 8 months ago and has been staying home to recover. I think he got used to getting lazy. 😢Please pray he will have the courage to get back out there. It took me 3 years to have the courage to start a family again after loosing my last one. Actually I lost many fake families over the past 3 years. Groups of people that felt like family. 

If you want a family that will for sure last forever, listen to sermons every day with them and try to serve one another always. Hopefully my attempt this time will be long lasting. 

If you have siblings, be nice to them. That is important. 

Get an Upgrade

 You may be in a life style now that you don't like and you wish things were easier. Just have faith that things will get better. God may have an upgrade out there waiting for you.

With my ex, he was not even Christian. Every time I brought up Jesus he would say that Jesus is stupid. 😢 It's amazing I stayed loyal to him for a whole year. His cat was just average. It wasn't very friendly, and it was just a little bit cute. 

Now I have an on fire Christian man and the most beautiful cats in the world! But I had to be willing to let go of that to get this. There were 7 months of being lonely and missing him, but God sent me great work friends in that time. 

I am so glad I moved on from him because he was very verbally abusive. My man now is the most gentle and kindest person who has ever lived. I praise God I found him! We listen to sermons together and he actually enjoys going to church with me. He helps me in any way I need help, and he is so great! 

 If you are in an abusive relationship may God give you the courage to know something better is out there. Just keep believing that a better life is possible and you will find it. 😀

Dogs are Like Satan

 Our neighbor's dogs broke into our fence today and were running all over our backyard. The big dog barked at me a lot when I went outside and I was like, "Oh uh uh you're in my backyard." 😒 I opened the back gate to let them be free. 

It made me wonder if that was a distraction from Satan. I had intended for my bf and I to listen to a deliverance sermon by Derek Prince today. We still got to listen to it. 😁 If you want to hear it look up "Demonized Christians? Is it possible?" Best sermon ever! 

That crazy event also made me think how Satan is just like a dog. He barks and runs around but he can't really do much. Maybe he can hurt you and bite you slightly, but you are stronger then him. "Greater is he who is in you then he who is in the world." Just tell him to get out of your yard and he will run right out.

 You have to be authoritative and commanding with Satan and demons. You can't be shy or thinking you are inferior. You can only have power over them if you believe you can. You have to stay confident. You are a child of God. You were bought at a high price with the painful sacrifice of Jesus. Who does Satan think he is to try harming you? He won't get away with it. 

If God is for you, no one can be against you. You are more then a conqueror. Now act like it. 

May God bless you! 😀

Casting Out Demons

A big part of Jesus' ministry was casting out demons. However Paul is only recorded as casting a demon out once. Maybe he was so focused on writing and teaching that he was less inclined to expel demons as much as Jesus did. Here is the one time we know he cast a demon out.

Acts 16:16-18

"As we were going to the place of prayer, we were met by a slave girl who had a spirit of divination and brought her owners much gain by fortune-telling. She followed Paul and us, crying out, 'These men are servants of the Most High God, who proclaim to you the way of salvation.' And this she kept doing for many days. Paul, having become greatly annoyed, turned and said to the spirit, 'I command you in the name of Jesus Christ to come out of her.' And it came out that very hour."

The evil spirit in the girl was trying to annoy Paul until he left the city. What she said was good, but her objective was to drive them away or drive them crazy. 

I experienced this recently with my ex husband. I think he was mostly just done being married to me so he allowed the demons that were inside him to scare me away. He always had those demons, since he got involved in Charismania I call it, but only toward the end of our relationship did he allow them to affect me. Or maybe God wanted me to finally realize they were there. 

Anyone who has demons wants their demons, either to gain power over other people or because they are lonely. Now I keep asking myself why I did not know how to deliver him since I am an on fire Christian. The reason is because he loved his demons. He wanted them. You cannot deliver someone unless they hate their demons. 

I felt betrayed by him a lot. I would say to him, "The problem is you are gossiping to the demons about me more then you talk to me." When communication dies in a marriage that will become an issue. You can know they are talking to someone, either to other people or to demons. They very well might be gossiping about you. 

Demons cause division. They cause you to hate others. If you are totally ok with hating others, you will love your demons. You will hang on to their every word. You will listen to everything they say and do anything they tell you to do. They have become your god and you don't realize it. 

As long as God the Father is your God, nothing else will be. "Submit to God. Resist the devil and he will flee from you." You have to decide. Do you wish to submit to the demons or to God? Hopefully you will always only submit to God the Father. 

Evil Spirits

 Here is a list of evil spirits. You can set yourself free, but first it can be good to know what you need to deliver yourself from. For each spirit that you may have, all you have to say is, "Spirit of.....come out of me now. You cannot stay in my mind or body any longer. By the power and blood of Jesus, spirit of......be gone."

Death- You have this Spirit if you very often want to die. 

Suicide- If you have ever made a plan to kill yourself. 

Depression- When you feel dull most of your time. Nothing excites you anymore. The zest of life is all gone. 

Loneliness- When you feel painfully alone when you are alone. 

Epilepsy- If you have seizures.

Rejection- If you think everyone is against you. 

Heaviness- You just want to sleep all day and all night. 😣 I have felt this one sometimes. 

Fear- You have an excessive amount of anxiety about your future. It is very difficult to trust God. 

Anger- You have outbursts of rage and it feels uncontrollable. 

Lust- You cannot stop thinking about sex. It is hard to lead a normal life due to thinking about sex way too much. 

Murder- You cannot forgive whoever has hurt you the most. You wish they were dead. 

Crippling- You find it hard to walk. Your back is stiff or hurts really badly. 

Infirmity- You are sick very often. You don't get why you seem to be sick all the time. 

Headaches- You have seriously painful headaches. They keep you from sleeping at night. 

Allergies- You cannot eat certain foods. You have severe congestion. 

Insomnia- You have racing thoughts at night. Your mind will never shut down. 

Sleep Addiction- All you want to do is sleep. 

Adultery- You have a lust for others who you should not lust after. 

Sexual Immorality- You sleep around non stop. It seems out of your control and you can't stop doing it. 

Homosexuality- You have a desire for same sex people. Maybe you were rapped so you hate the opposite sex who God created you to love. 

Gluttony- You are obsessed with food. The best time of your day is when you are eating. 

Alcoholism- You cannot stop after one drink. Your body and mind demand more and more until you pass out. 

Drugs- You crave drugs. Some drugs are not enough. You always want to add on to what you already do. No high is enough of a high. 

Gossip- You hate others deep down and you try to make others hate who you hate. 

Lying- You hate being honest. You gain a supposed power from lying. You feel indestructible and like you will never get caught. 

Porn- You think of porn all day. You have a hard time thinking of anything besides porn. 

Masturbation- You excessively masturbate. Either it lasts longer then a few minutes or you do it too many times each day. 

Slander- You want to divide your friends so you tell others things to tarnish their character. 

You can be free of any or all of these evil spirits. "According to your faith it will be done to you." 

Satan

 In many ways Satan is like a spoiled child. God does not very often restrain him or correct him. He is able to do almost anything he wants to do. Why does God allow all that he does? I have no idea. His explanation for painful things to me is that it is interesting. 

Satan is called the god of this world in Corinthians. When Adam sinned it is as if he passed the keys to the power over the earth to Satan. First Adam ruled the world. After Satan won in making him sin, now Satan rules the world. It is interesting he did it via the woman. That is why the earth is so sad and painful now. Ultimately God controls Satan, but he doesn't keep a tight reign on him, it would seem. 

Satan used Eve to get Adam to fall. That still happens now. If women become sinful, men easily fall into sin. Think of porn. Almost every man is influenced by evil women in porn. The more depraved the woman is in her videos, the more messed up the guy watching it will become. Porn can and will make you go insane. And it can lead you quickly to hell. Be careful guys. 

Women are meant to be the guardians of sanity and purity for the world. We are supposed to make the world a better place for our children. Women in porn usually don't have children. That is why they don't care about the depravity of this world. 😣

 Satan knows if he can get a woman to be a leader into sin, he can influence almost the whole world. It all started with Madonna and  Mariah Carey. They made the whole world worship sex. MTV had a show called "Good Girls Gone Bad." That was also the tagline on a Rihanna CD. It was subliminal influencing. The idea was that good girls would then go bad and Satan would win, at least for a season. And he did. 😢

Satan is mainly after us women. If he can make us turn to sin and evil, he can dictate how the entire world will go. That might be why Hilary Clinton was set up by evil forces to lead America. Just imagine how crazy the whole world might have become. 

Ironically my dad used to always say I would be the first female president. Now that would be amazing. I bet I could start a life changing world wide revival that way. But the Elite would never let me step up, for fear of that. Or maybe they would. God can change the Elite and change the world if he wants to. For now he seems to enjoy watching it stay evil. I don't get why, but oh well. 

You probably didn't realize it, but most presidents have been into witchcraft and on the evil side. The Elite, the richest men in the world, keep it that way. We deceive ourselves in thinking we are a Christian nation. We are actually very evil at our core. 😣😢

May God bless America. And may God raise up godly women to lead our nation and our world into holiness instead of evil. Step it up ladies. Be the godly women God created you to be. Then maybe, just maybe, we can make this world a better place in the future. 

Witchcraft

 600,000 people go missing in the US every year. We all get the abduction notices, Amber alerts, on our phones. Why are those people being taken? Ritual sacrifices. 

A great movie on this subject is The Devil's Knot. It is based on true events. A few boys in a town go missing. At the end it turns out that one of the boy's father literally sacrificed them in a satanic ritual. Every month on the satanic calendar they have human sacrifices. Usually it is a young girl or a young woman. This actually happens. Us Christians prefer to not look at this because we don't get why God allows that. I do not have an answer for why he does. 

3 years ago my ex husband was being plagued by demons. The demons were telling him to "go to the mountains." I knew exactly what that was for. They were summoning him to a nearby mountain range so he could either participate in satanic rituals or be the sacrifice. I was very worried. Most satanic ceremonies occur in the mountains or in a heavily wooded area. This is why hikers often end up missing. If you go hiking, don't go by yourself and pray first. 

When I was a kid I did Bloody Mary with my friends and minor silly games. I didn't realize then how detrimental witchcraft can get. It will make you go crazy. Be very careful of anything remotely demonic. It is playing with fire. 

May God watch over you all and protect you from witchcraft. God bless. :) 

Knowing

 People who think they are saved are almost impossible to save because they think they are already saved. And that is most of America. 😣

How can you know for sure you are saved? Here is an easy test, would other people say you are saved? You might think, "Um people's opinions don't matter." But Jesus said, "You will know them by their fruit." Do other people see genuine fruit in your life? 

What is genuine fruit? You probably already know what it is and you just don't do it. 

Loving others, having joy, staying at peace, having patience....generosity. Forgiving those who hurt you. Not gossiping or slandering against other people. Not lying. Loving your parents. Desiring church or listening to sermons. Prayer every day. Praying for others. These are the signs that follow those who believe. 

It is not just supernatural things. It is your fruit. It is the holiness of your life. It all depends on how good you are. "Show me your faith without deeds and I will show you my faith by what I do." 

If you believe in Jesus and you are good, genuinely good, and others would say you are too, then you can always know you are saved. 

Deliverance

 If you want to be delivered first off, make sure you are saved. Tell Jesus that he can be the Lord of your life. My belief has always been that salvation automatically cleanses you of your demons. You might be hesitant to let them go. You have to realize demons and witchcraft are evil and you should be scared of all that. You can't let demons inside you and keep the Holy Spirit. God cannot dwell where evil is. You have to decide if you want God to be in you or demons. You can't have both.

You also need to believe it is possible for you to be free. You Deserve to be free. You might think you deserve to stay in bondage but no, God wants to set you free. Only believe you can be and you will be. You can have the life and the peace that you greatly desire. Just have faith. 

"He who the son sets free is free indeed." Once you get free, stay free. Know that freedom is better then any addiction you had. It is better then any party, any drama, any sin you used to act out. "Live by the spirit and you will not gratify the lusts of the flesh." Walk every day in God's Holy Spirit and the world will loose its appeal. Demons will no longer be able to enter you because you are filled with God. :)

My 2 Daughters

 Melanie, if you are reading this, please give each of my girls a cell phone for Christmas and give them my phone number. They should be allowed to talk to their mother if they want to. 

I miss my daughters every day. I keep wishing they were still in my life. I hope they are doing well. I pray for them almost constantly. I wish I was there to help them through life. I used to always pray that they wouldn't miss me too much. Hopefully someday I'll be able to live with them again. 

Please pray for Joy and Serenity. Thank you all. 😁

The Past

 It seems I may have a never ending issue of trying to figure out my past. Why did my ex husband go crazy? It is like a jigsaw puzzle I will always be trying to figure out. I was just thinking he was like a firework. He made a lot of money for 7 years but then he died out. You can't be a firework forever. It is too exhausting. Maybe that was why all we had worked hard to build went up in flames. 

"The love of money is the root of all evil." We both loved money too much for the 7 years we were married. That leads to evil and evil leads to death. 😣

God also shared with me my spending on Amazon was the number 2 reason why Ben went insane. I was consumed with a lust for more stupid stuff. 

Number 1. He had to work so hard. 

2. Amazon. 

3. The Charismatics. It seemed they all wanted our marriage to fail. Maybe out of jealousy. Maybe because they are spiteful and mean people who only think they are Christian. I don't know what is wrong with those people, but something is seriously wrong with them. 

So we went up in flames. I suppose I could add Ben's wanting to be insane. I don't get why but I think he literally wanted to be crazy. That probably is why he was drawn to the Charismatics. He found normal people and normal life to be too boring. He could not mentally handle the boredom. So he decided to go insane. It is more entertaining to be crazy I would assume. 

I prefer to be entertained by movies. But a lot of people like to turn their life into a movie. That is always a recipe for disaster. Learn from the movies that you should not want all that drama and heartache. Don't create it in your own life. Watch out for trying to make your life as crazy as the movies. 

Bitter or Better

 I have seen a few very bitter people in my life. I hope I never let myself get bitter. If you focus on what you lost, you will stay bitter. Focus on your future and you will be happy. Keep your hope high. 

God says, "I know the plans I have for you. Plans to prosper you, not to harm you. Plans to give you hope and a future." 

What will you do next? You cannot change the past. You cannot get back what you lost. What can you gain in the future? You can make new children, have foster kids, raise kittens. You can get a good job and make back all the money you lost. You can forget about all those retarded exes who didn't seem to want you. Forget about them. What new life can you create for yourself? Your life is not over yet. Greater things are still to come. God can make even greater things happen for you then what happened in the past. 

Yes your past may have been great, but what even better things might lay ahead for you? Picture it. What do you want the most? What have you always wanted the most? You can make it happen. Only believe. 

90 Minutes in Heaven

 The saddest movie you will ever see is 90 Minutes in Heaven. After seeing it I am thinking my pregnancy is nothing to complain about. Sure I had annoying diarrhea and now super annoying heartburn, but at least I don't have metal poking into my arm and leg to try to fix them. Don was in a horrid car accident and lost bone in his arm and leg. They used what looks like a torture device from a horror movie to fix the bones. 

If you listen to Don Piper talk today, he seems like the most humble and down to earth guy. I think that's why God allows us to endure extreme pain, it makes us more humble. Pain will either make you better or bitter. You can decide what effect it will have. Let the sad things of life make you a better person. 

The kindest people I have ever known went through extremely painful things. I think it made them more kind because they would never want others to feel the pain they felt. They try to ease the pain of others rather then inflict more pain.

The movie is not really about 90 minutes in heaven but 90 minutes in hospital hell. It probably hit me harder because I have felt extreme physical pain many times.  At age 10 my appendix was infected and ruptured. I got it surgically removed and spent 2 weeks in a hospital recuperating. I threw up a lot. I could barely walk. Then recently I had my gall bladder out and felt pneumonia trying to kill me after the surgery. Again I found it very hard to walk for a few weeks. 

But I overcame. I let those 2 times of pain make me a kinder person. I now feel more empathy for anyone going through any pain. I think I feel pain too much now, but it's good that I care more. 

What pain have you felt? Did it make you bitter or better? Don't stay bitter. Let it help you be a better person.

God bless 😊

My Twin Bf

 I feel like my bf and I have lived almost the same life. He had an ex who miscarried. I lost my 2 daughters in the great madness. His dad died when he was 19. It seemed like my dad died when I was 14 when my mom and I moved away from him. 

His mom had a bf who was evil and beat her a lot. My mom hooked up with my step dad and I always wondered if he was evil. 

He was an only child. I was kind of an only child from 13 onward. He was always close with his grandma. I was incredibly close with both my grandmas. 

He has worked in customer service most of his life. Almost all my jobs were in customer service. 

We both went to private school. That helped us both turn out to be sweeter and more dutiful people. 

Sadly, we both used to like smoking and drinking. I quit both and he is a work in progress. Pray he will quit smoking. :)

We both never cuss, which is very nice. 

We both have always wanted to have lots of kids. Maybe someday we will. 

Daily Schedule

 I am not working, other then growing a baby, but I still follow a daily schedule.

 Every day I wake up around 9am. I have a bagel and coffee. Then I go outside and water the plants, hug my cats and sit in the sun for awhile. Then it is bath time. After I get clean and smelling awesome I cuddle with my lover until he wakes up around noon. I make coffee for him and sometimes eggs. Then we listen to a sermon or watch a movie. He goes off to work around 3 and I take a nap. I usually wake up very hungry and warm up my rice casserole dinner. Then I make bracelets or watch a movie. Sometimes I call friends or family. I go to bed around 8 or 9. If I stay up too late I feel nauseous, so an early bed time is good. I have been doing that every day for 7 months now. I am sure when the baby comes out my schedule will be much different. For now I am happy with it. 

I hope you all enjoy your daily schedule. May God bless you. 😁

Why God?

 Why does God let us suffer? Why can't we have a pain free life? God says to me often, because it's interesting. It keeps our life interesting to ourselves and to God. That is the best way to make sense of it all. Maybe it was not evil per se. It was just interesting. 

If you never had bad days, you wouldn't appreciate the good days as much. It is the struggle that makes us more proud of ourselves. It helps us relate to each other better. When others experience extreme pain, we understand because we have been there. 

"God comforts us in all our troubles, so that we can comfort those in any trouble with the comfort we ourselves have received from God."

Your life was meant to be lived for others, in relation to others. God lets you suffer because he lets everyone suffer. It bonds us all together. It humbles us. It lifts us up when we found we could overcome the extreme pain. We pat ourselves on the back when we conquer the difficulty, and we soldier on and get stronger, just like everyone around us. 

Stay strong. You can handle it. :)

The Shack

 It is a very haunting and eerie story. I read it in 2008 and now watched the movie. God always calls us back to our place of greatest pain to help us grow up stronger. 

I am now living in West Texas again. I raised my two daughters here. They are now gone from my life. I gave them up so my ex could be happy. I did that because I genuinely loved him. Perhaps I felt I needed to make up for being a not totally perfect wife. At least I gave him the parting gift of two super sweet girls. 

Now in repeat I will raise kids here again. How ironic. But God can and will always replace what you lost. No situation or loss is without hope. In the story of Job, he lost his kids, finances and house. God gave it all back to him ten times the worth. May God do the same for me. Maybe my 2 kids can be replaced with 7 kids. My house has been replaced. I have a much more fun backyard now. My husband was replaced with the most wonderful and kindest guy I've ever met. I know God will replace the money since he replaced everything else. All things work for the good for those who love God. 

You never know what might be just around the corner. You can have all that you used to have before your great loss. Just believe. 

"A dream is a wish your heart makes when you're fast asleep. In dreams you will loose your heart ache. Whatever you wish for you keep. Have faith in your dreams and someday your rainbow will come smiling through. No matter how your heart is grieving, if you keep on believing, the dream that you wish will come true." 

😁😊👏😊

Hope

 "If at first you don't succeed, dust yourself off and try again." 

We watched the movie The Shack today. I read the book literally 20 years ago. I feel so old. 😂 I remember it was probably the most creative book I had ever read.  The movie is free on YouTube if you want to see it. 

It made me think of hope. You may have had a terrible childhood, or a catastrophic first marriage and divorce, but God can bring beauty out of the ashes. Keep your hope alive that your path will get better. But you have to make it better. Learn from your horrid past. What can you do differently next time? 

In my case I need to not trust people who are not trustworthy. I need to protect myself and those I love more, even if that means I get less help. Better to do things alone then to let evil in. I need to forget about a love of stuff. My greed and pride destroyed my first marriage. That was a major factor. But I saw my mom and mother in law being greedy. Their greed didn't destroy their marriages. I thought I could be greedy and all would be forgiven.

 You have to decide if you want to love people or things? If you love things too much, God can and will take the people away. Then you are left being Mr. Scrooge, alone with your money endlessly counting it because that is all you have left to care about. Love people and the money will come. In the end, people should matter 20 times more then any amount of money. 

Watch out for greed. Be cautious of evil people. Protect what you have. You never know how easy it can be to loose it. 

Pride

 Most know that pride is the root of all sin. "Pride comes before a fall." God hates pride. He detests it. "God opposes the proud but gives grace to the humble." I was playing a Bible trivia game with my family and I found it interesting that some didn't know that verse. 

What do you have pride about? Do you think of yourself as hot? Have you watched any movies lately? Because you know you aren't as hot as a lot of super hot people on the big screen. 

Do you have pride in your money? You know there are 100's of billionaires alive today? Even if you managed to save 1 million, that is barely anything now. 

Do you have pride in your house? It is probably messy and dirty so you should not have pride about that. 😂😉

Do you have pride in your intelligence? Any intelligence you have is directly from God so why be prideful about that? 

Do you have pride over your nice clothes? They will be "out of style" in 6 months so pride in that is ridiculous. 

Do you have pride over your nice smile? Ok that deserves some pride. It takes lots of work to keep a good smile. 😁

Overall pride is detrimental to you having a great life. If you are in love with yourself, you cannot properly love anyone else. You might think you are the best thing since sliced bread. 😂 No one likes a person like that. Be humble. If you want others to like you, stay humble. God will bless you more and your life will go a lot better. 😃

Naughty or Nice

 Have you been a good person in your life? Just watched Fred Claus again. Best Christmas movie ever....

What is good? We all want to be good. 

Do you care about others? Do you strive to make people happy? Or is your life mainly just about you? 

We all can be selfish, but generally we should live to give others the best life they can have. What did you do to make someone happy today? It can be as simple as making coffee for someone else. Maybe compliment your co workers or your mate more. Get things for people if they need it. Give more hugs to more people. Call a friend that you know is feeling lonely. 

 We all know how to be more good. We just need to do it. 

Don't be a naughty person. Be nice. 😃 Leave your world a better place then how you found it. 

Depopulation

 Do the rich bankers, the Elite, at the top want to kill almost everyone in the world? Do they create one disease after another to cause that? Yes. Why? Maybe they are tired of paying all our medical bills. It probably is about 80% of Americans who either don't pay them or only pay part of their medical bills. But don't make the bills so high. Why are they so high? Probably because few people actually pay them, but they don't pay them because they are too high. Every medical bill should be $300 or less, no matter what procedure was done. 

If the bills stay high, how can we pay medical bills unless the minimum wage is raised or mortgage payments are lowered? 

The rich get richer and the poor get poorer. 

On every car loan and every house loan people pay about 30% in interest. Almost one Third of the payment is wasted on interest. I'm sure that is the Elite's way of getting us back for not paying medical bills. Then you also have car insurance and student loans, overpriced iPhones....car payments that are way too high. It is amazing that everyone doesn't go crazy trying to pay for all that. 

Then our gas prices sky rocketed. So the expense of going to work became more. Maybe that was to make up for all the unemployment they volunteered to give out. But hey, how about you guys stop creating diseases that make it almost impossible for people to work? Then you wouldn't have had to pay so much for unemployment. You fell into your own hole. 

I'm sure it is hard to run the world. Maybe if you all ask God for help you could have more wisdom in how you run things. I pray you will all get saved. In Jesus' name amen. 

Pot

 Why does over half the world love pot? I have never understood the love of getting high. I have been high 4 times. Every time, I didn't like it. I felt like a vegetable. Afterwards I remember thinking, "Why would anyone Want to feel like a vegetable?" 

A friend of mine has been addicted to pot for 30 years. My dad was just about his whole life. My mom was always a prescription junkie. She probably figured she was better then my dad but no, not really. 

I smoked cigarettes for 3 years. That is as much of a drug habit as I have had. It is kind of a drug because you think you need it. You think you can't handle stress without it. You use it as an excuse to go get some fresh air, but you are slowly killing yourself. Perhaps all smokers want to die. They can't handle life and that is the reason they smoke. 

Do pot smokers want to die young? Most just want to enjoy life more. They want that high in order to feel more fun. They get used to it, being in a zombie like state. They like to loose their mind and go numb. But what is the point? Maybe their thoughts are too much. They want to check out and forget. They want to sleep while they are awake and just let it all go. 

It is possible to forgive and let things go without being high. 😉

Don't give up your mind. It is a great gift from God. Use it. Treasure it. Keep your mind alert so you will become smarter. 

God can help you let go of all the pain. Just ask him for help. He would love to help you. 

Breaking Up

 With every guy I have been with I ended it, except my first bf. He dumped me. I was 13 and he was 16. He broke up with me and said I was too young. I think his actual fear was possibly getting a 13 year old pregnant. I've always wondered though if I had married him would my life have gone better. Possibly. 

Maybe since then I have always wanted to dump the guy before he might dump me. It seems easier to do the breaking up, but then you mull it over for years wondering if you did the right thing. 

With Moses at 16 I broke up with him because he was too emotionless. There was nothing exciting about him. With David at 18 I ended it because he wasn't a Christian. Same with Stephen at 19. Same with Greg at 22. Then I finally thought I met a good Christian man, Roger. But he was unfaithful a ton, emotionally. Then there was Ben. I never really could tell if he was actually Christian or not. I told him to move out and had peace about it because I decided he was not. Do not be yoked together with unbelievers. It only causes a ton of frustration. 

Then I met Brian who really was Christian. Finally I had found one! Only took me 34 years. 😂 We had great times hanging out. Sadly he actually asked me to move out. I suppose because I worked too much. 

Then I was with Eric. He was Jewish. At least I knew he believed in God and he tried to be a good person. He had a sweet demeanor about him, unless he had too many energy drinks. It was great to be with him. However he would not get over his ex and move on, so I broke up with him many times. I still feel bad about hurting him that much though. 😣

Now I have hopefully found the one I will never end things with. Please pray he stays away from drinking. He has a problem with that. But he is very sweet and is for sure Christian. I love him very much! I love you Zach! 

Hope you all have found great love. May God bless you! 

Waiting

 Most of my life I have been waiting for someone or something. It all began with waiting a long time for a good man to have kids with. I thought I had him, but that didn't pan out so well. So then I was waiting for a second great man to have kids with. Every day I am waiting all evening for my sweetie to come home. In the mornings I eagerly wait for him to wake up. 😂😃

You have to learn to be great at waiting. There is always something we have to wait for. 

Now I am waiting for my little baby to be done growing. 6 more months. I can't wait to see her. 😁

Since I was about 10 I have been waiting to become a best selling publisher author. That has always been my biggest dream. Maybe someday that will happen. 

I have waited 15 years since college to get a chance to be a high school teacher. Who knows if that will ever happen. 

I am waiting to buy a new car someday. Mostly I am ok with my car though. 

I am waiting to get to buy a beach house. That would be a big dream come true if I can do that. 

Be good at waiting. You never know what God has in mind for you to have. 

Peter Pan Syndrome

 I read this term in a book a long time ago. It happens when men, or women, refuse to grow up. My ex husband had this problem. He was ok with providing for me and our daughters for 6 years but then it was like he was done being an adult. He wanted to go live with his mommy. So he did. He went crazy so he would have an excuse to run back home and have them take care of him. Some men never can leave home. They refuse to learn to fly. 

Most adults cannot handle being adults. Have you noticed this? The extreme of this is when a person kills themselves. Other people just check out. Other people worry all the time. Other people mask their fear in anger and act super tough. But really they are a scared little boy inside. A lot of women feel lost and alone. We don't know how to be an adult. What are we supposed to do with life? What is the purpose? So most of us just waste all our time doing pointless things. We never really figure it out. Why we are here. We remain confused most of our lives. 

Do you know why you exist? Hopefully you will find your purpose eventually. Until then go ahead and remain a child. When you decide to grow up, God will show you what he wants you to do. 

Emotions Addiction

 Most people are addicted to some negative emotion. Charismatics might call it a stronghold in your mind or spirit. It is really just a way that you are used to operating to handle life. It might be anger, fear or depression. My bf and I seem to be addicted to depression. It makes sense because we have both had very sad lives. It helps you sleep better when you're addicted to depression. 😂😃 Most of my exes were addicted to anger, which was often quite scary. I think it made them feel powerful. My ex husband was addicted to fear. I had no idea what to do about that because I had never known someone who was addicted to fear. It made very little sense to me why someone would want to be fearful all the time. But then again, why do people enjoy scary movies? 😒

The main reason we cling to these destructive emotions is because they seem comforting to us. Maybe anger was always around you in people you knew, so that is the main emotion that you prefer to feel. It makes you feel like you matter. You will force people to respect you, right? That usually never works, just fyi.

 Others have mainly been around fearful people so they seem to enjoy feeling fear. It gives them a lot to think about, that's for sure. They feel more in control of their life because they are always calculating what they think Might happen. This will, for sure, make you go crazy. Don't do it. 

Others had lots of sad, depressed people in their life so depression makes the most sense. It is like you could say, "There you are depression, my old friend." You feel the most comfortable being depressed. You don't necessarily enjoy it, but it's better then being overcome with fear or anger. You have decided you just want to remain calm and subdued the rest of your life. You have had enough drama. Now you just want to chill. 

Is the emotion that you let cover you an evil spirit? Sometimes it is. Usually it is just how we prefer to feel. Angry people are always full of energy. That is why they love anger. Fearful people are also full of energy, but it's anxiety. It is for sure more of a draining energy. Depressed people seem to have no energy, but at least they always feel relaxed. And they prefer to always feel relaxed. 

Which emotion is your favorite? Have you ever considered why it is? 

No matter what your primary emotion is, God loves you. :) He can help you to be more in control of extreme emotions. Just ask him to help you. God bless 😁

Rich People

 My ex in laws LOVED to show off with their money. They bought 2 new cars, a gorgeous house and tons of insanely expensive furniture. All the while their son was going insane and we were struggling with money, but they didn't care. They just wallowed in their luxury thinking nothing bad would ever happen to them. They paraded themselves as if they were the biggest kings of Texas. Pride always comes before a fall. Then their son lost his godly wife and went insane. They now have to provide for him and their grandkids. Karma bit them hard in the but. Never forget to care about those less fortunate then you. Eventually their poverty will affect you too. 

Go Trumpy!

 Trump got reinstated on Twitter yay! Pls pray he will win the 2024 election. Go Trumpy! 

Evil may defeat good for a season, but the good can always jump back on their feet. :)

Trump was essentially fired because he would not bow down and worship the Elite. That is what happened. So they threw him in the fire to burn. Poor Trump. 😢 Someday they will get over themselves and let all people have a say. They will give up being dictators and let the light shine in their souls. They will stop worshipping money and actually care about the common people. 

It all coincides with the masks. They wanted to silence all us strong people. Well you can try but it won't work forever, you Nazis. 😁 Let the strong good people lead on! 

Waiting

 Life is usually very hard. You loose important things or people and so you want to replace them if you can. But there is a long time of waiting to replace them. Most likely God makes us wait so we will value them more when we get that thing again. If you have to go without it, you appreciate when you have it a lot more. Fasting reminds us how awesome food is. Being single reminds us how fantastic love can be. Being without kids reminds us how wonderful kids can be. You never know what you have until you loose it. You may proudly think you won't miss it so you let it go. You don't need it right? You don't need them. And maybe you don't. But you still will miss them eventually. 

All good things come to an end at some point. But God can send a replacement for what ended. Your life isn't over yet. You can have again what you once had. Just because you lost a wonderful thing does not mean you can never have it again. 

Keep hoping. Keep your dream alive. You may have to wait to get that thing again, but you know it is worth the wait. :) Just be patient. Your dream will come true if you keep believing it can happen. 

The Good and Bad of Divorce

 My mom divorced my dad because he didn't want to go to church or counseling anymore. Looking back it might have been because we were living in the country and he had an old truck. Maybe he was fed up with driving in the Nebraska snow and ice. I was mad at my mom most of my life for staying married to my dad after he molested me. But really maybe her divorcing him was the worst thing she did.  She was too proud. She thought she could be alone and be fine. She gave up all sex and any extra money just because he refused to go to church. And then she was miserable. She turned into the most depressed person anyone has seen. She died while she was still alive. Control can be evil. She wanted what she wanted and would not budge. So my brother and I were left to flounder without a father. We felt broken from that point on and lost and weak and confused. 

I have always wondered if my dad would have been a totally perfect man if he had married another lady. Was my mom the cause of him molesting me? Did she catalyze that whole event? Then 25 years later the same situation repeated itself. Different man, same occurrence. But both men were married to my mom. 

What causes evil behavior in men? Is it the woman they are with? Most men in prison are there because they were trying to keep a woman. Maybe they stole or killed someone, but a woman was usually the cause. Adam ate the apple because Eve told him to. 

Women can help change a man, for the good or bad. 

I suppose that is why my former in laws blamed me for my ex going crazy. Would he have still gone crazy if he married someone else? Probably. I think he definitely would have. He should never have gotten married. Some people can't handle marriage. Once a man is deformed in his mind maybe there is not much anyone can do to change him. If he is set on being crazy in any way, he will be. Men are stubborn. They generally will always do what they want to. 

Sometimes divorce is necessary. Sometimes it is the only good solution. It might be the only way to be safe. 

But don't divorce if you are still in love. Make that love last. Hold onto it. You never know if you will get another chance to live happily ever after. 

Money

"The love of money is the root of all evil." Do you love money a little too much? 

People step on their co workers over money and prestige and titles. You might neglect your children over a love of money. You might loose your mate over money. 

What do you love the most? Money or people? 

If you love money too much, you will just use people. If you love money you might end up in jail from doing really stupid things to get more cash. 

Be content with what you already have. Sure it's fun to buy happy things, but be thankful for what you already have. 

Don't let a lust for more cash ruin your life. Don't sell your soul to Satan to get more money. God will give you what you need. All you need to do is ask and be good at waiting. More cash will come when you really need it. 

Watch Out

 We just watched the two most eye opening movies ever made. Check out the movie Snitch and Traffik. Both of them are very well done. Snitch is about drug trafficking and the other is about sex trafficking. 😣 I had seen Brokendown Palace years ago on the horrors of the drug trade. That made me more cautious about trusting random people. Also most have seen the film Taken about sex trafficking. After I saw that I remember hearing that it happens all over California too. That is a great reason to never live there or visit there. 😳

What I learned from those movies. You never know if the police can be trusted. Learn how to defend yourself. If anyone plants a phone on you, throw it into some random open field. Never stay in a house or cabin far away from the rest of civilization. If a friend wants to ship drugs to your house, never let them. Never answer the door unless you are expecting a friend to come over. Always keep a gun or some kind of weapon in your house. Women, stay covered up in public. The more sexy you look, the greater risk of getting messed with by crazy guys. You can look hot for your man at home, Not in public. 

Never leave a house alone at night. Stay inside. Never stay in a public bathroom for too long. Be in and out. Have situational awareness. Always know what you have around you that can protect you. Learn how to drive smart. Don't aggravate people on the road. 

And most importantly, pray that God will always protect you. Stay on his good side so he will help you any time you need it. 

Dying America

We have not recovered our morality since the 60's. The drug revolution killed our conscious. No one cared about being a good person anymore. First were drugs, then open promiscuity, then gay love went rampant in the 80's and then sex became God in the 90's. 

Will we ever go back to the purity of the 50's? Only God knows. 

Premonition

I just had two scary dreams. It is not often that I have them so I figure it means a lot when I do. I dreamed that my brakes were going out so I saw my previous mechanic. He took me on a drive to test the brakes but to his house. That made sense in my dream because I liked him. His house was a total dump though. We talked about living together and then he showed me his photo album. It was full of what looked like witch doctors and "church services" where kids were being molested. People were getting slain in the spirit and falling back. Crowds were breaking out and having seizures. I was appalled while looking at the pictures which came to life as if they were videos. 

In my first dream there were two demon kids trying to get in my house. They seemed to have special powers. They kept biting me and each other. They acted like possessed dogs. No matter how hard I tried, I could not keep them out. Finally I told them to go to the lake down the road and locked them out. They flew away as if they were witches and kept trying to hurt each other. 

 

Those were the strangest and scariest dreams I have ever had. May God watch over me. 

Babies

 I remember walking around Downtown Disney in my 20's and looking at the Ann Gedees store. She took pictures of babies in the cutest way. Every picture made you think how cute babies are and how fun it would be to have one. Maybe that's why I was excited to have a family. But finding a worthy guy is not easy. So it was a long journey to find "the one." A worthy man that I could honor and who would be the head of my home. Finally I found him, and he is the greatest guy ever. :) I love you Zach! 

Why are babies worth it? The biggest reason is it is a little copy of you. It is so exciting to see a fresh new replica of you. A pure and untarnished new life. A fresh start. It is like you reincarnated yourself into this tiny new person. You hope they will carry the torch for you. That they will go help the world after you get too tired. There is so much hope that you have for them. You hope their life will be so much easier then yours. You hope they will never get hurt or be sad. You try to make their life as happy as it can be. 

Then someday they leave. But at least you got to cherish them for awhile. At least you got to really love another person from your whole heart for a season. 

You never sacrifice for a person as much as for your baby. Newborns are like army training for moms. No matter how you feel, you have to meet all their needs. You are their only helper. They need you for a lot. It is tiring but also fun to be needed that much. You feel honored to take on such a hard task. It is nice to get help from family, but if you care for them all alone, later on you can say with pride, "I did all that all myself. Good job super mom!" 

There is nothing more exhilarating and more fun then caring for your little baby. Nothing comes close to how great it is. The delivery is hard but it is worth it. No pain, no gain right? Please pray my next labor will have very little pain. Thanks all :)

May God bless all the fellow moms out there. Keep up the great work. You can do it! 😃

Cheating

Why do so many men cheat? Ok some women do too. The main cause of cheating is discontentment. Just like Satan caused Eve to be discontent in the garden and she sinned, Satan can cause anyone to become discontent and sin. The central cause of any sin is discontentment. You think your life is soooo hard so you "need" that drug or that illicit bad thing to sooth your pain. 

Your life is most likely not as horrible as you think it is. Maybe you have lost some things and you want to feel sorry for yourself forever. But what is the point? At some point you have to let the past go. If you live in the past, you will stay depressed. Look at what you have now. Be thankful for what you have now. 

A big cause of unfaithfulness is insecurity. Maybe you naturally are insecure or your partner sadly makes you feel insecure. You then think you need the outside person to validate you. You have a hole inside that you think you need to fill. But let God fill that hole. People will only be able to help you a little. They usually hurt you more then they help you. Look to God to be your knight in shining armor or the one you adore. And if you guys think that seems gay, the Holy Spirit is actually a woman. :)

If you ever consider cheating, don't. Staying with one person forever is ideal and gives you the best life possible. Hopefully you are happy with the person you are with. 

Teaching

 The most stressful but also the happiest year of my life was when I taught Junior High English. I taught it for the second half of the year after another teacher quit. First I ran the after school program at that private school. From 2 to 3pm was my time with the adorable 4 and 5 year olds. Then 3 to 5pm I ran the study hall and helped watch the kids outside after that until 6. There were about 70 kids that I was in charge of.

 My co leader was a guy named Victor. He was in my class year in high school. We went to the same church. We hung out a few times and played soccer or went swimming. I sort of liked him just for his gorgeous blue eyes, but he was only a friend. It is totally God that kept us from dating because a year after I worked with him, he molested a student and was sentenced to 10 years in prison. I always knew something was strange about him. He seemed like a kid himself.  It frustrated me a lot how he interacted with the kids. It was more like he was one of them rather then in charge of them. But some guys never grow up. 

The happy part about working at that school was that it was in SoCal so the weather was year round perfect. The school was beautiful. The kids were usually well behaved and very smart. It felt like I got to be a mom to all 70 of them at one time. I think originally the school was just a church with tons of Sunday school rooms. It felt like a very safe and happy place. Probably it was the most safe and happy place I had ever been in. 

It was a huge shock to hear about Victor being accused. I didn't believe it at first. The school shut down. The super happy place was closed. There were accusations in the past about him that our boss had ignored, the police decided the school was defective and made it close down. All good things come to an end at some point. 

Maybe in the future I will find another place like that. A place where tons of kids can feel like family and there is love and joy. May God help more places to feel like that. May God protect those in charge from demons that infect their minds. Stupid demons. They always ruin the most beautiful things. 😢

Sex Addiction

 You can't make a wife out of a hoe.  And you can't make a husband out of a sex addict. 😒

Women tend to be attention hoes. This is why women love stylish clothes and make up and jewelry. They are constantly shouting "Look at meeee." They want to be noticed by many people. To get recognized. To change the world! If her mate does not see this as an asset to do good, he will just think she will become emotionally unfaithful. He will become suspicious and envious. The more she shines, the more hateful he may get. Maybe he wishes he was more shiny then her? 😒 And then you know you are married to a gay guy. 😂

Men tend to be never satisfied sexually. No woman feels like enough. Satan starts the discontentment via porn. Men have been trained by porn from an early age to want extreme sensuality. Their mate may not satisfy them because she doesn't do all the things porn women do. Their need for kink is too high. They see anything they want in porn and wish their wife was a porn star. Well she isn't, men. She is a normal woman who wants love and romance more then crazy, wild sex. Tone your expectations down. Lower your internal demands. Maybe some days the spice and energy are there but every time is not like a porn video. Good sex is the icing on the cake. What matters is a real love connection. If you wish your mate was like all the porn stars, that will lessen your love connection to her. Be realistic and be happy with what already is. 

Marriage is about understanding, contentment and gratitude. It is meant to be a beautiful friendship that lasts forever. Think what can I give, instead of what can I get? You get out what you give. "He who sows sparingly will reap sparingly." If you want more love, give more love. 😍😃

A Perfect Day

 This week I had the perfect day. My hubby and I went out for lunch at Olive Garden. Their soup is the best ever! Then we went on a walk around the lake here. And then watched movies the rest of the day. There is nothing better then that. 

Someday I hope we will get to own a beach condo. Then we can go walk along a beach every day. That would be so cool! 

Maybe we can own a beach restaurant someday and eat there every day. I've always wanted to own a restaurant and running one on a beach would be extra awesome! Someday....

Singing

 At age 10 I was singing special music at churches. It was to help a homeless mission raise money. I made $50 each performance. I spent it all on cat toys and candy. ☺

I wanted to be the next Mariah Carey my whole childhood. The song Hero really inspired me to come up with a similar song to encourage others. 

As an adult I won a karaoke idol competition on a cruise ship. That was a very special day. 

 I have written songs at various times. Mainly when I feel very emotional. 

I still dream of having a song on the radio. Maybe someday. 

What is your biggest dream? Never stop believing. It could happen. 😃

Meds

 All my life I have loathed meds. They took my mom away and made her a zombie. She was there but not really there. They made my dad and brother go crazy. Both of them "had" to take Ritalin. My dad supposedly had ADHD and my brother had ADD. Really my dad was just addicted to coffee and my brother was sad a lot because my dad had molested me. 

I never was put on anything. Thank God. As an adult I have never done drugs or meds, and meds are drugs. Just want to remind you all of that. 😉 Just because it is from a doctor, that doesn't mean you should take a ton. One pill isn't enough for a lot of people. They always want MORE.... Meds can kill you just as much as street drugs can. Of course if you read the side effects for any medication and you still take it, maybe you want to die. I can understand that. We all feel like dying could be better. But suicide is a major sin. God said if you destroy your body he will destroy you. Does that mean all people who kill their body, either at once or slowly are bound for hell? Only God knows. 

 God only gives you one body. You reap what you sow. If you want less pain later on, take excellent care of yourself. 

I am against any and all meds. You can cure your body and mind just by eating healthy. You don't need drugs to feel better. That is a lie from the pit of hell. I hope and pray you will have the wisdom to quit any drug you are doing. God can help you if you ask him to. Just say no to drugs. 

Hobbies

 Most little girls love to color and write in a journal. Most women love to paint and write books. We just get more sophisticated with age and our projects get bigger. We hope no one will read our journal. Then we hope everyone will read our books. At least we get more open and daring with age. We find out we have something to teach the world and we hope they will care and listen. 

When I was a kid I colored Pocahontas coloring books and did paint by numbers. I was super into Lisa Frank stickers, because they were so happy and colorful. :) I probably wrote in 50 journals. I had them all until a few years ago. My dream was for my daughters to read them. But that might never happen. 

What do boys do? All the boys and men love to play their video games. I played a little with my big brother as a kid. They were fun. The graphics got better and better. But mostly I resented how enamored he was with them. Then I hated how addicted my step dad was to them. Then I hated how enthralled my ex husband was by his football video game. A lot of marriages fall apart because men can't give up their fun time. Men, if you want fun time, just stay single. When you choose to be with someone, your time is important to someone else. It can help someone else. You can't be selfish any more, unless you want a disgruntled spouse and a failed marriage. 

Ladies good luck having patience in your marriage. Hopefully your lover tries to keep you happy. Be thankful for what he does do. And men, love your wife as Christ loved the church. There is no other way to have a great marriage.

May God bless you all, especially you who are with a mate.  😃

Benny Hinn

 The most hated man in history, and also the most loved man, by some. He did do some good. He held massive services in stadiums and people actually got healed. God healed them though, not Benny Hinn. I was watching a healing service of his. Basically people got healed during worship, because that time really was anointed in his services. Then those who already got healed by God came up on stage and told what happened. That then increased the faith of people in the audience and their faith healed them too. As Jesus said a few times, "Your faith has healed you." It was a domino effect. The sad thing is how much Hinn made from these services. Supposedly he made 100 million a year. Of course, to give him credit it took some effort to be on stage in front of crazy large groups and share healing stories. 

What I don't get is why did he cause every person who came on stage to fall backwards? Did they fall simply because they wanted to? Was a force compelling them to fall, and was that power from the Holy Spirit or from demons? No one will ever know. 

I was asking God what was happening. He said sometimes the true Holy Spirit was the anointing power over Benny Hinn. But sometimes it was demonic powers. He himself is not actually filled with the Holy Spirit so any force can take him over. When he preaches you can tell it is scripted. It is not from his heart. He is just a good actor. He probably didn't even believe most of the people who shared their healing stories. He may have thought they were faking it just as much as he was, to put on a good show. He doesn't actually believe God heals people. He doesn't even believe in God. It is all just an act. He is merely acting in order to make tons of money. 

Hopefully someday he will truly be filled with the Holy Spirit. May God save him. And may he give half of all he earned to Pastor Jentezen Franklin, because he deserves it. :) 

World Religions

 I have been to India, Taiwan, Australia, Thailand and Mexico. I feel compelled now to analyze the religions of the world and help us to be more unified. I am not trying to start a one world religion. :) I just know we are all more similar then we realize. 

Asia has Buddhism. India has Hinduism. South America has Catholicism. The Middle East has Islam. Australia has Hillsong church. 😃 What does Africa have? We need to keep praying for Africa. 

Africa has witch doctors, sadly. We all know that. But why? Why have they always loved witchcraft over serving our true good God? I have never understood that. 

I mostly believe the Allah of Islam is the God of the Bible. Their Koran ironically is almost identical to our Old Testament. Are they saved? I believe some of them are. They are way more devout in their faith then about 85% of Americans. I think we need to stop hating them so much. They hate us because we seem immoral and godless. That makes sense. We do. 😢 Maybe God is on their side. Maybe God loves us all. 

Hindus have a main head God. They have many sub gods. Some say their sub gods are demons. Or it could be just that they are following their innate desire to worship something. The people of India are very kind and good people. We may not understand them, but we can still love them. 

Buddhists actually do not have a god. Buddha is like a god but he was more like a prophet. I have always felt Asian people have their life together better then any other ethnic group. They are smarter, more disciplined, more peaceful and more organized. They rarely hurt anyone else. The only reason some Asians have been evil is due to the influence from other cultures. Of course Satan can creep in to their countries too. But I think, because they keep a more disciplined mind, they are less susceptible to Satan invading their societies. 

South Americans are mostly Catholics. Are catholics saved? Absolutely. I know beyond a shadow of doubt they are. There are almost no differences between Christianity and Catholicism. I never understood why there were so many wars between those two groups. That was quite ridiculous. Catholics are some of the most religious, God fearing, and kind people alive. 

There is great news about Africa. Now a new wave of Pentecostal beliefs are sweeping through Africa. I say that is awesome. Finally they are being saved. Praise God. :) May they grow in their knowledge of the Bible while they seek supernatural experiences. May they cling to the cross and not the world or Satan any longer. May God soon make them missionaries to the rest of the world. 😁

What religion is the most correct? They all are! Jk I still believe the Bible teaches the most perfect truth, but God loves us all. God can save anyone. No one is beyond his reach or his ability to love and accept into heaven. 

God bless :) 

Tongues

 Why does the gift of tongues exist? To draw us nearer to God. The name is fitting because the more you love a person, the more tongue you use in kissing them. The closer you become with God, the greater chance that he will give you the gift of tongues. It actually is to make the relationship more tight knit. 

Those who are afraid of a close relationship with God are also afraid of a close relationship with other people. They hide behind their phones or TV or work. They hide from God and others. Of course this leads to an easier life. No conflict. No demands. But do you win or loose in the end? 

You can continue to keep God and people at arm's length, but why not dive into love? Dive into being close and bonding. God wants to bond with you probably more then any person does. People generally have a secondary motive for getting closer to you. God only wants to be close for the sake of being close. He does not want or need anything from you. He just wants to talk to you. 

Let God in more. Let him be your closest friend. He deserves to be close to you more then anyone. If you open yourself up to tongues, it is allowing yourself to become closer to God. 

God bless :)

Deliverance

 I have always wanted to try delivering someone from demons, but I've always been scared of it. It could be said that recently I delivered my hubby from a spirit of alcoholism. I fasted and prayed for him for 2 days. After that he decided all on his own to quit drinking. Praise God! He has not had a drink since. God is so good! 😃👏🤗

There also was a young girl I babysat for awhile. Her eyes were very dark so I could tell she had a demon inside her. She was still a nice kid though, surprisingly. I prayed for her while she took a nap every day. A month later her eyes went from black to light blue. The demon had left. Praise God! 

When Jesus cast out demons he just said, "Demons come out!" Now people draw it out a bit, which seems unneeded. But it is hard to know what to say in that circumstance. If you want to see some deliverance services, look up Hungry Generation on YouTube. That might be one of the only churches in America where they do deliverance services. 

I went to a deliverance Bible study 8 years ago. The last class was a day long deliverance service. Some people coughed a lot if they had demons that came out. I admired the courage of those casting the demons out. I seemed to sense a spirit of fear in or on me. I do not think I was possessed with it, but it has harassed me most of my life. I was crying, so a lady came over and asked me if I was saved. I was thinking, "Of course I am. Don't I look like I am saved?" ☺ She prayed for me regarding fear. My battle with fear got better after that day. 

The main spirits people have in them, or harassing them from the outside, are a spirit of fear or a spirit of heaviness. These cause anxiety and depression. 

I will pray for you, "In the name of Jesus, evil spirit of fear or spirit of heaviness come out, or away, from this person. I declare you have no right to be around them anymore. They are one of God's children. Leave them alone. Go away from them forever. In Jesus' name amen!" 

Now you are free. So act free. Believe you are free. Then you will actually be free.

"As a man thinks, so is he." 

"According to your faith, it will be done to you."

 "He who the son sets free is free indeed." 

"God did not give you a spirit of fear, but instead a spirit of love, power! and a sound mind." 😁

"He will replace your spirit of heaviness with a cloak of praise." 

"He who began a good work in you will carry it on to completion." 

"Submit yourself to God. Resist the devil and he will flee from you."

"The truth will set you free!!!!" 🤗

"Perfect love casts out all fear." 

May God bless you and may he keep you free of demons. :)

Strange Fire

 I am re-watching on YouTube a great conference that John MacArthur held 8 years ago. It is the Strange Fire Conference. After I watched it last time, I wrote my self published book "On the Charismatic Movement." Check it out on Amazon. I think I did a good job on it. 😁 I had read his book Charismatic Chaos and realized I had lots of my own things to say about Charismatics. 

There is good on both sides of this religious verbal war. It seems that is really what it is. John MacArthur is by far the smartest preacher to have ever preached in America. He is a genius. But with great intelligence often comes great pride. I know because I was smart too and used to have lots of pride. He is picking on what he doesn't understand, because he has not been there. He is somewhat mad, maybe at God, that he hasn't ever spoken in tongues. He probably feels like I used to feel. Why would God withhold tongues from me, if it is wonderful, after all I have done to grow his kingdom? Don't I deserve that blessing too? But if you do not see as a blessing, why would God want to force it on you? I got the gift of tongues 4 years ago. Since then I have talked with God almost 24/7. It definitely opens up a deeper friendship with God. 

However, for most of my life I was scared of supernatural things. I blame Benny Hinn for that. His video of his "healing" service freaked me out. A friend gave it to me in High School. I only was thinking, "I want nothing at all to do with the Holy Spirit if that is what it is like." But Benny Hinn did not know the Holy Spirit, or operate in the Holy Spirit. He was only filled with demonic spirits. 

The reason MacArthur had the Strange Fire conference was to correct the errors. He didn't want people to see things that seemed insane and credit them to the Holy Spirit. Just because an event or a feeling is supernatural, that does not mean it comes from the Holy Spirit. Demonic possession is supernatural too. That still happens a LOT today. You might Think you are being filled with the Holy Spirit but it could be a demonic spirit. How can you make sure it is the Holy Spirit? Don't be an idiot. Listen to your gut feelings. 

I have been afraid since I was saw that Benny Hinn video at age 16 to open myself up to anything supernatural. But that is how Satan works. He wants us to be afraid of the Holy Spirit. 

I beseech you to desire more of the Holy Spirit. I pray that MacArthur may pray in tongues soon. But realize acutely that demons are real. Test the spirits. Not every supernatural spirit is from God. Witches pull up dead spirits and evil spirits all the time. There are tons of demonic entities that would love to have access to your mind, just as much as God wants to. Be cautious. Be wise. 

Why does God allow evil spirits to exist? He tells me that it keeps life interesting. Don't get deceived by all the evil. God gave you a brain for this reason. Use it. Yes be filled with the Holy Spirit, but please never let an evil spirit fill you. How can you tell the difference? 

Do you feel peace? 

If only the Holy Spirit is in you, you will have peace. If it is evil spirits, you will never have peace. 

Be on your guard. Protect yourself. You owe it to people that love you to take good care of yourself. Besides, you definitely cannot take good care of them unless you take care of yourself first. Guard your mind well from evil entities.

Be wise. God bless. Stay alert. 

Ghost Stories

 I have never seen or heard a ghost. Thank you Jesus! But I have heard several stories of people who have. 

At my last Papa John's a ghost would turn the sink water on at times, just at random. At another pizza store a ghost came in after closing a lot and made big messes. 

A friend said she saw a black hooded figure walk down her hallway. 

A lady I used to babysit for said that at night lights would randomly turn on in her house. She could smell fire at times, but there was no fire. It was a totally new house, but her aunt was a witch. I told her about a class I was taking at church on evil spirits. 

An ex said he heard ghost kids play in his hallway a lot. 😳

Another ex was visited by a ghost almost every night. He said he could hear it pace up and down the hallway from 2 to 4am. I was living in that house then. Praise God I never heard it. I think it was an ex he had who was a witch. The spirit would walk around his room and stand over his bed. The poor guy. I don't know how he could sleep at all. 😢 

My theory is that spirits attach to people for reasons such as revenge, if they were mistreated. I don't totally understand how evil spirits or ghosts appear. I just know they do. If you want God to protect you, read the Bible more. 

Also hang a cross in every room of your house. They just might protect you and your family better. 😉

God bless :) 

Forgive

 "If you do not forgive others, your heavenly father will not forgive you." 

My testimony that I have been giving to crowds since I was 14 is that I forgave my father for sexually abusing me. I think I always hoped he was the only person I would have to forgive. Not even close.  Maybe God let me go through that to give me excellent practice at forgiving. 

Now it is not just my dad I still struggle to forgive but my mom, my step dad, my ex husband and my ex mother in law. I hate them all for different reasons. I wish my life could be over most days so I won't have to think about how much they all betrayed me. The 4 of them together ruined my life. They made me loose everything. Now I am having to rebuild from scratch. It is like after 9/11 and the building was a huge pile of rubble. That was my life the past 3 years. But there can be a re birth, a redoing of everything. It takes work but all things can be restored. It can all be re built. 

I just hate it that I lost all that I had worked very hard to build. Was it all their fault? I had my own contribution to the mass chaos and destruction. 

Why can't families be indestructible? Maybe because my ex and I did not build a good foundation. All we both cared about was money. We didn't care about listening to sermons at the beginning. We never read the Bible together. I thought I had picked a godly man, but I got fooled. He was almost no better then any other worldly man I had known. So our house came crashing down because it was not built on the strong foundation of Jesus. 

Ladies pick a godly man. Men pick a godly woman. You will find that great Christian person eventually. Just be patient and wait on God. 

Jesus Packets

 I started making my Jesus packets in October of 2013. Can't believe that was almost 10 years ago. 😃 My oldest daughter was 9 months old. My ex was working 70 hours a week. I was bored and needed a worthwhile hobby. Missions has always been my number one goal. Saving the lost. Shinning God's light in this dark world. I was listening to Joyce Meyer and Joel Osteen sermons almost non stop. They inspired me to reach the lost, to encourage others. The only way to do that as a stay at home mom was to make my Jesus packets. I made bracelets with a cross on them or a phrase like "God cares." I put lots of candy, the bracelet and a Bible tract in a little present that I wrapped up. Eventually I ordered goody bags because the assembly went quicker. I delivered them next to cars and at apartment complexes. Now I leave them in stores on shelves and hope the managers won't be annoyed. 😁 I always think maybe they really could save a person. You never know what simple act might make a huge difference in the world. 

I got the idea because I figured a Bible tract alone probably won't work. People don't care to read much these days. Art speaks to the heart. 

If you are an artist too, how can you use your creativity to reach the lost world? I'm sure you can think of something. 

God bless. :) 

Regrets

 I regret marrying my ex husband. I could tell he was crazy when I met him. 

I regret finishing college. I wanted to quit freshman year but my mom wouldn't let me. Maybe because she wished she would have never gotten married and she wanted me to support myself my entire life. But that would have been a sad life. 

I regret not marrying Stephen when I was 19. I think my entire life might have gone way better. 

I will never regret having my two daughters. They were the Only happy and sunny things in my entire life. 

I regret most of my past bf's. They all ended on a very sad note, and they were all so selfish. 

I regret ever meeting or trusting my step dad. If a man was formerly accused by Anyone of molesting children, believe them. I wish he never would have entered my life. 

I regret not calling my brother more throughout my life. He and I are almost like twins because we are so similar. I wish I would have kept in touch with him more. 

I regret not saving more money and spending so much on fast food. I should have made sandwiches for lunch. 

I regret quitting working on the cruise ship. That was a very fun job. I should have stuck with it for like 5 years. 

I regret yelling at my girls. It is frustrating to be a mom at times but they didn't deserve that. I can only hope every person caring for them now is super nice to them. 

I regret every time I got back with my ex Eric. I should have gotten my own apartment and supported myself for awhile. He had tons of issues. 

I regret buying the car that I have. It has stressed me out a lot for a long time. 

I regret selling my first car. I loved that car so much. I had it for 12 years and it was still in perfect shape. 

I regret ever trying to own a dog. They are the most annoying animals ever. 

I regret working at Papa John's for so long. I should have worked in a restaurant or anywhere but there. It was non stop crazy....but it helped me forget my divorce so that was good. 

I regret loosing touch with Faith and Crystal, my two best friends for a long time. I hope they are doing well. 

I regret buying the only house I tried to buy. The back yard seriously sucked. We should have bought the house in Manor with the perfect back yard. 

I regret yelling at my ex husband when he was loosing his mind. I was trying to alert him to pull himself together, but that was probably the worst way to go about it. But I was so frustrated. I didn't know how to help him At All. All my perfect grades in school didn't help me then. 😣😢

I regret ever staying in touch with my dad. I wish after age 6 when he molested me I could have never talked to him again. All he did was stress me out and try to corrupt me in many ways. 

I regret not calling my 3 grand parents more. They were the best grand parents a girl could have and now they are all gone. 😣

I regret not going swimming more. I love swimming so much. 😃

I regret never settling down in a beach city but hopefully someday I can. 

Repeat

 When I was single before I met my ex husband I was praying for another Roger. I wanted a man I could be just as in love with as Roger, and I was with my ex for the most part. They were both great guys but with a bit of a crazy side. Roger worked as a prison guard and loved to drink. My ex actually liked crazy people and loved to get "high in the Holy Spirit." 

This last time I was single I was praying for another Bryan. I wanted a man I felt totally calm and comfortable around like I did with him, and I found him. :) Again we like the same foods, the same movies. We both like going to church. We both want kids. We are stable and normal. We just want a simple and easy life after all the drama of our pasts. 

As I was driving to this city I kept telling God, "I just want a normal life." I finally have it. 

I don't think I would ever want a repeat Eric. That was the hardest relationship ever. But I can only hope I helped him in some way. 

And soon I will repeat raising children. I hope it will go better this time. I hope I will hold my future baby more and give her more attention. It is always nice to get a second chance. This is my second chance. 😃 

What do you wish you could repeat? You can if you just believe you can. Start praying for it. 😁

Reach the Lost

 There are not too many ways to get to lost people. You can work at a job and try to save all your co workers. Eventually you will annoy everyone and need to quit. This is a common theme in my life. 😢 You can invite random people to a church, but what if they hate church? You can post Bible verses on social media. God said his word will not return void. It has helped me in my walk with God when people post verses on Twitter. I always think, "Yay thank you for the reminder." 😃 You can try door to door evangelism. I give you lots of congrats if you do that. I never have actually. I don't have the guts to. I have dropped my Christian Jesus packets in front of possibly 3,000 doors. That required a bit of courage. But I never knocked. Probably because I hate when people knock on my door so I don't want to annoy other people that way. 

The best way to be a witness is to not be afraid to do things God tells you to do. In Acts the disciples always prayed for boldness. It is not natural for us to be bold about our Christianity. There is actually lots of opposition from witches these days. Listening to John Ramirez on YouTube made me a tad more afraid to witness. He used to be a male witch. The more you spread God's word, the more people who do witch craft might try to stop you or ruin your life. You have to decide, at some point, that this world is nothing compared to preserving your place in heaven. Can your salvation be lost? I'm not sure but Paul said "work out your salvation with fear and trembling." No person is worth stopping you from living for God and fulfilling his calling. "Go into all the world and make disciples of all people." 

How many disciples have you helped to grow? If you say zero, go find some. 😁

My Testimony

 I was born November 30th, 1984. I have an older brother who is 4 years older. He was a bit of a wild child. I suppose I have been too at various times. How was I wild? Well.... I used to enjoy getting drunk. I smoked cigarettes from age 11 to 14 and 34 to 37. I have tried pot but, praise God I never liked it too much. I shoplifted cigarettes when I was younger since I couldn't buy them. That was actually really exciting when I got caught twice. It was kind of like going on a roller coaster. 😃 That thrill that I loved of getting in trouble sent me into hardcore ministry. I love the quote, "The most reprobate sinners can become the most devout saints." 

I got saved at age 14 and went to India with my church. My youth pastor asked me to pick where we would go. I said, "We should go to India because they burn Christians there and everyone else will be too scared to go!" We went for a week to Calcutta and Guwahati and we had lots of fun. I did Christian magic tricks in church services that we put on. My next missions goal is to go to the Middle East, because most people are too scared to go. Who else wants to go? :) In the past 10 years I have been making what I call Jesus packets. They are goody bags with candy, a Bible tract and a bracelet I make. I think my goal since I was little was to help the lost find God because my dad was very, Very lost. He was a child molester. He molested me and probably many others. He went to prison recently for molesting his step grand kids.

 I now realize I should have seen that as God warning me. A few years ago my step dad molested his step grandkid, my oldest daughter. If I didn't care about honoring my parents I would love to beat him up for that. I did not press charges because he is supporting my mom and I need him to do that. Him messing with my girl Serenity was the biggest betrayal of my trust in my life. He Seemed like a great Christian guy. He went to church every Sunday his entire life. He was smart and kind. But I guess he has an affinity for messing with kids sexually. I don't understand him at all, but I plan to never see or talk to him again.  

There seems to be a generational curse of sexual abuse in my family. My grandma was raped by her dad. My mom was raped by her cousin. I was almost raped by my dad but God rescued me. My daughter could have been raped eventually but God alerted me that something was off. The molest of my daughter was the central issue that caused my divorce 3 years ago and me loosing my daughters. My ex and his parents treated me, and still do treat me, as if I was the one that molested her. It is very frustrating. Someday I can only hope my step dad will buy me a huge beach house to make up for everything he did. 

Another big part of my life story is how annoying it was for me that my ex was involved in what I call Charismania. I always felt like they brain washed him. It is a cult and they program their followers with what seems like scripted answers to various questions. One example is if you question the practice of being slain in the spirit, they all will say, "Well the soldiers who came to arrest Jesus fell backwards." To which a normal response would be, "But they weren't saved. They were the bad guys." And then they get mad at you for questioning them. 

My ex's loyalty was to them more then me. He valued them more then me because they were "anointed" and I was not, according to him. I think I started my Jesus packets to prove to him that I could be just as on fire as the Charismatics. I don't think it worked. To him I was nothing compared to them. So that caused a lot of tension and sadness through our 7 years of marriage. 

A few months before we broke up I finally received the gift of tongues. I was so excited. He said I wasn't doing it right. That was kind of an ongoing theme in our marriage, that nothing was ever good enough for him. Then he went crazy for no reason. It was like part of his brain got cut off or he got a spirit of insanity. I have no idea what caused it or why he became so insane. He thought his phone was being hacked and that people were following him in cars. I was super confused and distraught over the whole thing. His mom medicated him to possibly fix it, but I think to this day he is still crazy. 

After separating from him I had a few boyfriends. None of them worked out because they were all just as crazy as my ex. 

My story has a happy ending though. Praise God I found a new great and handsome man online. I am 3 months pregnant with our first kid and maybe 8 more kids will come. God willing I can finally have a perfect family this time and hopefully Satan will not rob me of that again. I believe this 3rd try at a good family will be successful. "All things are possible to those who believe." Pray for us. Thanks for reading. God bless. :)