About two years ago I hit a deer with my car while on a pizza delivery. It messed up my car so much that it was barely working. The break pedal became almost impossible to push. I asked God why he let that happen to me. He said it was so I would be ready to start a family again. I wasn't ready then, so I sold that car and got a smaller, more fuel efficient car so I could keep doing pizza deliveries. I had to endure a bit more work drama and another demeaning boss before I was ready.
All women have to decide how they will contribute to society. Some do it with having children. Others do it with having a great career that they feel happy doing. I have done almost every job out there. I have seen the world, which I wanted to do before having kids. There is nothing else I wanted to accomplish. So I was ready for family number two to begin.
I resented a few times that I had to start at square one again. My ex refused to work things out with me. He refused to let me see my first two daughters. So I had to start over. I have realized lately though that he and I never really loved each other. He was not capable of love, for whatever reason. I therefore did not love him because I felt he did not love me.
I think as you get older you become more capable of love. When you are young, you don't know what love is. You think love is just passion, but it is generosity and humility. It is forgetting about yourself and putting the other person first. It is never wanting to hurt them in any way. It took me 35 years to figure out love. I suppose some never figure it out.
Family number 2 began in a very difficult way. I had a C Section 2 months ago. It was the hardest week of my life. It all started when my mother in law came over and noticed I looked off. She took my blood pressure and it was very high. She suggested that I go to the hospital. Luckily I was mentally prepared for this. I had been reading about presclampsia and realized that I might have that. My pee had foam in it for awhile, and I realized that probably was not normal. I read that babies can be and should be delivered early in such situations. But I was worried my baby would be in the ICU for awhile. Praise God he came out healthy. He was about 2 weeks early, but he was ok. At first they tried to induce my labor. That wasn't working, so 12 hours after they tried that I had a C section done. I guess before the C Section I said to the nurses, "Can we just get this over with?" So they did. It all seemed like a dream, but it was real. At that point I had been infused with God knows how many drugs. I was not myself. I kept trying to get off my hospital bed before the C Section, but my boyfriend wouldn't let me. He had a very firm look on his face as if to say, "No we are doing this." I'm sure my instincts kicked in and I was thinking, "Why am about to let them cut me open? That is crazy." So I was trying to escape.
But it happened. I had the C Section. The pain was quite annoying afterwards. I had a hard time getting up to pee and walking arond. I was walking like a turtle, which is funny because now I have 5 pet turtles. I wish I could say to them, "I was just like you a little bit ago." I survived though. That is all that matters. They put me on a ton of blood pressure medication that caused me to hallucinate a bit. They were all silly halluciations like worm people falling over each other. I don't recommend that anyone takes that. It really is just acid, I think anyways. Like acid off the street. It did not help my bloood pressure at all. What did help was getting home and sleeping more and eating good foods. God kept telling me to drink lots of juice, so I have been doing that for 2 months now. I just live off of juice, and yogurt and salads. That is how I got my blood pressure back to normal.
I never thought I would have a C Section. Ever since I started my period at 12 I have been horribly afraid of getting pregnant and having a C Section. But I did it. I overcame, and I am very proud of myself for surviving all that. If you ever need a C Section, I promise you too will be ok. Just believe that you will be ok and you will be.
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