I wrote this after I broke up with my bf a few months ago:
It is very hard, after living with someone for 3 months, to forget about them. My current bf and I had a fight 2 weeks ago but I keep thinking about all the nice things he did for me. He bought me Burger King whenever I wanted some. He was very good at sex. He was the best listener I had ever met, actually. So now the pendullum is swinging. For awhile all I could think about was his bad characteristics, and now all I can think about are the sweet things he did. It doesn't help that I read all the Bible verses on divorce yesterday and it is making me rethink my decision to forget about him. Jesus said, "What God has joined together, let man not seperate." I believe God joined us together.
Or maybe it is just that the cold set back in here and I am not too excited to be working 6 days a week again. When I was with him I could take some time off work. His savings was providing for me and it was nice to relax. It was always hard to tell though if he hated or loved sharing his money with me. I suppose that is the main thing that was driving me crazy, if he ever did complain about buying me food.
With both of us taking time off work we almost had too much time together. Here is what really happened. This is the mass under the ice berg. I got bored not working and so I picked fights with him every day. I told him, "I just want to figure out what you want." Which I did want to get figured out. But men don't work that way. Women need to Talk about what we want, but guys just need to be silent and think about it for awhile. Maybe I was just getting scared of what decision he might make and so I wanted to be filled in on what he was thinking. I knew part of him wanted his ex back, that he was with for 3 years. Part of him wanted this other girl Alicia who is 10 years younger then me. She is more pretty than me but Much more immature. But he said at one point that I was his plan A. It is annoying when people have a plan B and C when they are with you, but I suppose most of us think that way.
When I did start these discussions with him, which he saw as me picking a fight, it may have been because I didn't know how to have things good and so I stirred the pot. It was like I was trying to push him away, maybe because I didn't feel that I deserved him. Maybe I didn't feel I deserved to be spoiled for a time and not work. Maybe I was tired of him being basically my only friend and I wanted to get back to work so I could have more friends. But as long as he was living with me, I didn't see a reason for me to work.
My mom would always do this with me. If she was bored she would try to pick a fight, like just for entertainment. And as they say, like mother like daughter. So he was not entirely the villian. It takes two to tango. I had some fault in making him angry and getting him worked up.
And now I'm wondering, was he actually the angel and I was the demon? At first I was thinking I was the victim. I was the angel. He was the demon. He attacked me. But what did I do to get him worked up? Plenty of things. I insulted his appearance sometimes. He cut his hair two times and probably spent an hour on his hair and my reaction was simply, "Nope it doesn't look good." So that was mean. I always told him I didn't like his clothes, which I didn't, but I didn't have to Say it. I told him he had bad breath, which I probably should have not said because it greatly offended him. I told him he was overly skinny and looked like a Hollcaust survivor. But that really was an ongoing frustration for me, that he just didn't eat much. He is a very picky eater and I could never understand that. I can and will eat just about anything. Growing up my older brother was like that too. He was very picky about what he ate and it frustrated me and my parents.
I am thinking now about how much he reminded me of my older brother, so it seemed like I had known him my whole life. The way he looked, his kind heart, his ego and confidence were like Nate my brother, his toughness. I felt very comfortable with him. We would insult each other and joke around all the time. I suppose we felt comfortable doing that because we never thought we would loose each other. Or we just enjoyed getting to be totally honest with each other. But it is very possible to be Too honest.
I miss his body. I miss his but. I miss his rock hard abs. I miss his laugh. I miss seeing his big eyes. I miss holding him and hugging him. Most of all I miss laying next to him and talking his ear off.
You don't know what you have until it is gone. Absence makes the heart grow fonder. Maybe things can work out between us.
If we did get back together I would want Eric to not drink Monster drinks anymore. Every time he drank one he seemed very agitated and I didn't want to be around him after he drank one or two or three. He was addicted to the energy high. Most men are addicted to beer and love that tired feeling. I have never understood that. I understand wanting to feel energized. I drink coffee, but I know when I need to stop. One cup of coffee is good enough for me. He does not know when to stop, but he needs to. Maybe there is an AA for Monster drinkers that he can go to. :) Maybe me and him can start one for people, if we work out.
He would also need to try harder to forget about his ex. He constantly watched videos about the Narcissist which meant she was Always on the forefront of his mind. You can't forget about someone if you are constantly watching videos to try to understand them.
So overall I have no idea if I do or should want him back. God help me with my decision. Thank you God for wisdom. And help us to forgive each other and trust each other again. In Jesus' name Amen.
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