I just found out my dad is going to die in a couple months due to cancer. It is very ironic that my next baby will be born in 2 months. It made me think of the movie "A Little Bit of Heaven." When the main character is dying of cancer, her good friend is giving birth. It was a great movie. Go watch it. :)
I think my two oldest girls were meant to replace me and my ex-husband. Someday I will die. It is amazing that I am still standing actually. I almost wanted to kill myself when a bug infestation happened. Part of me wanted to. I somewhat wanted to kill myself when I got gallstones. Part of me also wanted to then. But I kept pressing on. Someday my oldest girl Serenity will replace me. Maybe she will lead worship in churches and run small groups like I used to. Maybe she will write books and try teaching at some point. She will make a great teacher and writer.
Someday my middle girl will replace my ex-husband. Joy is similar to him in personality. They are both more introverted and moody. I hope she will try writing poems like he did, which was what drew me to him. I hope she will work hard to care for her family like he did. I hope she will keep evil people out of her life better than he did. I hope she will be all the things that Ben had the potential to become but never did.
My next child can replace my dad. I know my dad had tons of potential. He could have done anything with his life. He was so smart and had so much energy. I hope my next child will be at least a little like him, at least his good side. He definitely had a good side. Maybe she will learn to play the guitar like him and tell good jokes like him. Maybe she will love church and being social and fun. Hopefully she will stay sane always and never let her mind go, like he did.
I wonder if I will have more children and who they could replace. Only God knows.
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